Mum's Passing

 5 Jan 2025 / 6 Jan 25

A day that possibly will stay in my memory for a very long while. 

Sunday, a normal and uneventful day, as we go about busy with the kids' schedule. That afternoon, we went to Boon Lay to pack the place as my mum shared that there were things to be done. She could not do it, as she was warded in the hospital. As much as we were very unwilling, we went down. I will always thank God that regardless of my unwillingness, at least I was there. 

After keeping the house, we proceeded to SGH and visited my mum who was warded for a heart attack episode. We had dinner in the food court and was told that she was not allowed to be out of the ward, hence we proceeded with our dinner and went up to the ward for a short visit. 

I vividly remember that it was 8pm, when we said we wanted to go back. We bid her farewell. Never did I expect that also would be our final farewell. On the way to the carpark, we were still saying, she could argue with doctors and nurses, meaning she is still in a very good shape. So she will be able to go home soon. 

That night, at 950pm, my mum called me, informing me that she would be going for the procedure tomorrow morning, but wanted me to call the hospital to check on the exact timing. I remember rebuking her saying, you could just send me a text or drop me a call just before being wheeled away. I don't think it is appropriate for me to call just like that. With that, we hung up. 

That night seemed as usual as it can get. I proceeded to prepare for bed. I still remember, I finished showering and was putting on my eye mask heat pad, lying down and was closing my eyes. 

The phone rang, and I didn't want to get up. The hub say, its okay, let me pick that up for you. He proceeded to check who called. His 1st statement was, it's your sis. Calling you so late, something is not right. 

I checked the clock, its 11pm. Unwillingly I picked up the call and she told me, your dad called me to tell me your mum passed away. Can you go and verify? At the instance, my head went what? How to verify and what nonsense are you saying? My sister shared that she would be heading down to the hospital to check now. My first instinct was to verify that news and think it was a joke that they were pulling. So I called my mum. No one came to the phone. For once, I was hoping someone on the other line to pick up and scold saying, so late already what do you want. At this point, I could feel numbness in my heart. My heart went very cold. My stomach was churning for some reason.

The line was not picked. Right after that, a foreign number called me. My heart went cold. I answered and was told that the call was from the hospital. My mum is now currently in resuscitation and no pulse could be detected. My stomach and my heart went even colder. I have never experienced such a feeling before. Quickly, I called my sis asking if she had arranged anything and how is dad heading down. Her reply was, I didn't do anything, you call him. So I called and I asked my dad where is he and I ordered a grab for him. Yeoyi told me he would go and get the car while I changed. As I was getting ready, keeping calm, I remembered to get hot water in a flask and a jacket. It turns out to be useful.

As I made my way out of the house, I called all the aunties and uncle, breaking the news that she was currently in resuscitation. As we made our way down, my hands were cold, and my heart was numbed. I don't know what to expect. A part of me was hoping that she could revived, a part of me, that realistic part felt that she could not be resuscitated. I don't know what feeling am I supposed to be feeling. Lost and shocked. Knowing that if that is the truth, I can only be brave and carry on. I need to go on. 

We reached the hospital. Clara told me, she is gone. Doctor said they tried their best. So we can only go up when everyone arrived. I was too rational. Time checked: 12am. 

Carol ah yi, Susan Ahyi and Ah ku all arrived. We went up. We saw the body, so cold. The doctor came and he shared that they tried their best. They told us what happened. She fainted at her bedside and immediately the nurses and doctors attended to her, but they performed CPR on her for the past 40 - 50 mins and no heartbeat returned. The doctors had no choice but to certify her passing.

All of us could not accept that fact, we all just had conversations with her not too long ago. She collapsed shortly after she hung up. At this stage, my heart was just so numbed. 

We stood at her bedside. Looking at the cold and stiff body. No words could be uttered. Tears could not roll. Were there regrets? Yes, regret that I didn't let the kids visited Grandma. Regret that on the last call, I could have shown more kindness. 

This was a police case as it was an unnatural death as she fell at the bedside. We had to wait for the police to come and take our statement and after that have another IO to come by and ensure no foul play in her death. Time was ticking so slowly, I didn't know how to pass each minute. But we just kept ourselves occupied. We make a booking to stay in the Holiday Inn Atrium so that we are very near to the hospital. As we were waiting, I remember holding a quick discussion among the 4 of us, sharing that we each will have to come out with 10k first to conduct the funeral. But it's pulling a figure from the sky because we don't know the details. We agreed. Time check: it was 3.15am when the IO allowed us to go back and send the body to the mortuary. 

We left the hospital at about 330am, and went to the hotel to catch some rest. By the time we lay down, it was already 430am. I closed my eyes, I could not sleep. In my head was the replaying of the news, the body and all that happened in a short span of 4 hours. Drifting in and out of some form of rest. I woke up, its 6 something in the morning. I drafted a message to her friends and some relatives informing of her death. I could not sleep despite knowing that the week ahead will be long and tough. 715am, Ah Ku and Jie jie called me. Wanting to confirm some details and the arrangement of the funeral. I am up and then showered. We went for breakfast at 830am. All of us just didn't have much appetite. The only thing that fueled us, was coffee. 

915am, when we were done, there were still no calls from the hospital. We proceeded upstairs again to wait and discussed what was next for us. The call came at 1010am, informing us that the body was ready for claim. So very quickly we rushed down to the hospital and met up with Ah Ku and Jie Jie together with the Funeral Director. He told us that he needed clothes and some other items to embalm the body, so we split into 2 teams, with Fabian driving Clara and my dad back to Boon Lay to pick up the things, I stayed behind and waited for the body. Yeo Yi proceeded home to help me collect some daily items. 

We put in all the applications, all the arrangements that we need and sat there waiting. As Ah ku was sharing how sudden it is, how he also could not come to terms with it, tears rolled down. As we were waiting, there were many decisions to be made. What type of rites, what colour of the coffin and the time of cremation, we have to make a decision. As I was there making sense of all things and the decisions, I wondered, when a person passes on, then we do for them what they like, is there any meaning? But at least, for us, it does. 

Time was ticking away, at close to 1pm, finally, my mum's name was called. Her body was ready for collection. 

We went in, I could not imagine, seeing her in a black body bag. Not quite mentally prepared. Tears fell, but my heart was still very numbed, yet at the same time, trying to make full sense of everything. Our lives changed forever from this very moment on. 

We handed the body to the undertaker for embalming and all the necessary work. Time check, it was 1pm when we left the mortuary. We took Fabian's car and headed back to Boon lay to clear her stuff, and prep the things that we needed to put into the coffin. As we sat in the car, all of us had nothing to say, I ordered lunch as I knew we didn't have appetite. Eating was just solely to keep all of us going. 

120pm, the people had finished setting up the wake and needed me to go and sign off. I went and sign off all the items, and went back up to continue with whatever was needed. Time seems to pause yet was suggesting that its passing so fast. 

Ah yi and all arrived at 2pm. Ah yi shared with us on her CPF matters and all the money matters. Quite honestly, we could not process the information. Its just information at that moment. We cleared out a lot of things for her. We send it down. The kids arrived at 3pm. Not quite understanding what was going on. At almost 4pm, the body arrived for encoffin. We went down. We participated. By the time the encoffin was done, it was close to 530pm. The ritual people were telling us, what we needed to do and what we had to prepare over the next few days. My brain was trying to register. I remember asking Gerald and Fabian to help to go and buy dinner. 20 packets. Nellie quietly sat at the side and burned the joss paper. For hours, she was there doing that simple act. 

That night, people started coming down. I remember Pastor Jimmy, Wei Liang, Joanne, Suraj, Fei Fei, Lynus, Renjie, Shan, Renyang, Megan. They came. 

As I was sitting there, my mind was all about running the 'event'. Ordering drinks because the drinks provided are just too expensive, getting the necessary things that will be needed the next 2 days. 

At 830pm, Clara and Fabian went home to pick up things and shower while I stayed behind. After which they went to check in to the hotel and rested. By the time they checked in was already close to 1030pm. So I told them to rest and come and take over about 330am. Till now, I cannot recall at which stage did I ask Fabian to help check and book the hotel. But I am glad, I did. 

7 Jan 25

330am, Clara came, and I left at about 345am. We dropped Suraj off at somewhere. 

The moment I reached the hotel, I was too tired. I closed my eyes and knocked out for a good 2 odd hours, and not long later, I woke up. I checked the time, its 630am. 

I laid on the bed for a while, scrolling through all the messages and replied. I got up, and could sleep no more. I showered and went out. I know I had a lot of places to go, and so I went to Town Council who required me to sign off some documents. As the time was early, it was barely 9am when I was done, I went to Sheng Siong as well as SKP and got some nuts and disposables for night use. I was back at the wake at 1030am. 

We wandered here and there, set up the tentage and all, and when it was close to lunch time, In order to get my dad some breather, I drove him to the nearby coffeeshop to buy lunch for all. By the time I was back, it was maybe 12pm?? We came back with many packets of lunch, kim zhua and some what nots. 

Wan Lin came. We chatted awhile, she used her lunch hour to come by. Very appreciative of her. 

That afternoon, was a quiet and uneventful afternoon. But night time was buzzing with people. Susan, Emily and Samuel came, many others also were there. I remembered, Iris, Jianxiong, Praise, Nicole Ye, Daniel Chu, Ariel, Sherlin, Tony, Sharon, Wilson Mak, KL, Karen, CQ, Kwang, Jocelyn, May, Alex, Joanne, Kevin Wong and Kevin Shen. Even people like Weng & Pei Yu also came! People like John Lam, and his mum also came. 

I saw many many people. My heart was so full, so humbled and so honored. My heart was just so touched. 

That night, Joycelyn came with supper for us. We were so hungry. We slurp down everything. We booked 2 rooms for that night because the following morning, we are going to see the niche and purchase. 

8 Jan 25 

This was once again, a decision that changed our lives forever. We booked 4 niches. Ah yi would want to be with her siblings, all of them to be placed together. A very strong bond. 

When we were done, we headed out for lunch, and again, went to Sheng Siong top up all the things that were needed, and we headed back to the wake. It was almost 315pm when we arrived back. People came down and visited me. 

Dinner was Mcdonalds. A quiet evening that night. Not many people were there. 

That night, similarly, we had 2 rooms, and we went back to the hotel to sleep. 

9 Jan 25

Despite that early night, we slept at about 230am but I was up at 5am. I could not sleep. I drove out to Mcdonald and bought breakfast for my dad. I remember that when I was at Mcdonald, it was barely 520am. When I reached back at the wake, I asked ah yi and gerald they all to go back, so that they can rest. Tonight will be another long night. 

At 7am, Clara and Fabian came and got all of us breakfast. It's the final night. We don't know what to expect. We don't know what to look forward. There will be nothing to keep us busy anymore. 

The day passed and we started the ritual at 3pm. The rites were to last till 10pm. 7 full hours. Wow. So tired. 

That night, everything passed very quickly. We burnt the big house and all other joss items. 

We stayed overnight to guard for the final time. The hours seems so slow yet so fast. 

10 Jan 25

Before we know it, its already 7am in the morning. PJS drop by to say hi. 

By 9am, the band, the people all starting strolling in. Getting ready for the final funeral possession. 

By 10am, the weather seems to be very unforgiving. The wind was so strong, that the rain just kept pouring with no mercy. 

We could wait no further, 115pm, we had to go. The coffin was closed. 

Our hearts were all very mixed. I don't know what to expect anymore. 

We boarded the bus, and we all proceeded to Mandai for the cremation. The simple ceremony held there, the tears, and the many unspoken words.

This concluded our very long and tiring week for the wake. 

From this, we were very grateful for all the friends who took time to attend the wake, stayed with us during this very difficult period. 

We felt her departure in such a way, wasn't a bad thing for her. She left with no pain, no struggles and no worries. I always said this, such a strong-headed person, who wanted so much of her dignity, dying in such a manner actually preserved her dignity to a large extent. I think she will have no regrets.

The worries, the regrets, and the struggles are all left behind to the living.